alive in the age of worry and other lessons from john mayer.

To start off this long and emotional post, here's a song that I'm pretty sure John wrote just for me. Other than "Your Body is a Wonderland," of course. ;)

A friend inadvertently showed me this quote a few days ago, and much like with everything C.S. Lewis says, it's resonated with me quite a bit.

I've had a hard time writing this post, because it feels like once I say what I'm here to say, it's final. Like a nail in a coffin. But it's not a nail in a coffin because what I'm going to say is a good thing. It's just taking a lot of courage for me to write tonight. I realize most of this post will be questions, because I'm full of those and I'm still trying to piece together answers. And now I'm just rambling, so let's get to it.

Have you ever felt like you've overstayed your welcome? Have you ever felt like the things you have planned for yourself, that are such good and worthwhile plans, just aren't happening the way you saw them in your head? Have you ever been terrified to do something, but at the same time you know you need to do it? Those feelings have all been bubbling up inside me for quite a while.

But the answer to all these questions has been knocking at the back of my mind for quite some time: it's time for me to get out of Provo.

That's a scary, scary thing. This is what I know, this is what's comfortable, this is what isn't terrifying. I have friends, I have a comfortable apartment, I have a good job. So many of the plans I've made for myself have centered around this little college town. I never once thought that they wouldn't happen exactly as I saw them playing out in my mind. But is that really what I need? For my life to work out exactly how I want it to? I've known for a while that living here isn't what's best for me at this point in my life. But I found myself making excuses, giving myself a reason to stay. If I break up with this guy, I'll move. But now I got this calling and I need to stay. If I don't get this job, I'm gone. But I'm in a great apartment, so why move? Things like that. I'm great at making excuses if I really don't want to do something. :)

I can't put my finger on exactly what it was last week that woke me up and made me realize I've got to move on, but something did. I'd just been feeling so much anxiety, people were frustrating me, and I wasn't feeling like myself. It finally hit me that I was fighting against what I know I'm supposed to be doing. And by fighting against what I know Heavenly Father wants me to do, I'm going to keep having those feelings. And when I have those feelings, I know I'm not reaching my potential, I know I'm not growing, and I know I'm not being the person I know that I am.

So on Sunday night, whatever it was {maybe I was depressed about the 49ers losing the Superbowl, who knows} made me come home, get on my knees, and finally tell Heavenly Father, "Okay. This is what I know you want me to do, and I'm finally going to do it. Now where should I go?" And it was like a lightbulb appeared, and all I had to do was flip the metaphorical switch. And once I did, everything started falling into place.

And since then, I've been so happy. I'm excited to see what's ahead for me.

I've also learned an important lesson. Sometimes, once we listen to and commit to what Heavenly Father wants us to do, so much peace and clarity comes with it. He's just waiting for us to follow through.

So, after one more perfect Provo summer {because they really are perfect}, I'm peacing out of the town that has given me so many incredible experiences, opportunities, and memories {someday I'll write a post about some of the best things this town has taught me}, and I'm heading towards a new place that will hopefully give me the same things. Change is good, guys. I'm just learning that it takes a lot of faith.

But there is always a bigger plan than we know. Always always always.