hearts on fire.

In case you're looking for what could be one of the most beautiful collaborations ever.

happy birthday, you goober.

This little goober turns 19 today, and it's the first birthday of his life where I won't be able to talk to him. But he deserves to be recognized, because Devin is one amazing little brother, the best of the best, and he's doing some great work on his mission in Tokyo.

I was 5 and a half when Devin was born, and I remember that night clearly. It took a bit of difficulty getting Devin here, and my mom was in the hospital for quite a while before he arrived. In fact, I blame Devin for my traumatizing first day of Kindergarten. Since my mom was in the hospital for most of September, she missed getting me ready for my very first day of school, which meant that my dad had to do my hair. Which meant that I was teased relentlessly that day for having some sort of weird ponytail/braid hybrid going on. Because at 5, you are fully aware of how you look, and you are fully aware that there will be boys in your class that you need to impress. ;) And I'm pretty sure that after that day my dad gave up and slapped a baseball hat on my head for the rest of the month until my mom could take over again.

When Devin was born, he was teeny-tiny. Four pounds is not very big, and that was Devin. Small and helpless, but even then with such a big heart. I remember feeling instantly protective of him once I saw how small he was. I wasn't going to let anyone hurt this little guy, or break that big heart, or cause him any kind of pain. And I'd like to hope that in the last 19 years, I've done that job.

Devin is one of those who, from birth, defies odds. We were told that, because he was so small at birth, and because he had a few health problems before he was delivered, he'd probably be a little slow, a little less active than other kids his age, a little bit smaller. But Devin fought those and turned out to be bright, intelligent, and athletic. He is a quick learner, he isn't afraid to try new challenges, and he can whip anyone on the tennis court or a snowboard or a wakeboard. And get him a piano or a guitar and if you are a teenage girl, I can promise that you will swoon.

Devin is a smiler. He always smiles. When we would make him mad, we'd tease him by saying, "Don't smile, Devin, don't do it..." and eventually he would give up his will to look and act angry and burst into a big ol' grin. In fact, his mission nickname is "Smiley Chorro," or "Elder Smiley." That smile lets people warm up to him pretty quickly, and I can tell you from experience that it's always genuine.  

Devin has a sensitive soul. He empathizes with people, and I believe that's a gift that is only given to a special few. Maybe that comes from being the youngest child and knowing how it feels to be pushed around a little bit {sorry, Dev!}, or maybe it just comes from being special. But wherever it comes from, it's something that I admire about him. When you hurt, you know he's hurting right along with you. I missed most of Devin's important, formative teenage years because I was away at college, but whenever I'd call home and ask how his life was going on {because being 14 has a lot of drama, right?}, he'd instead ask how my rough days were going, and if I cried I could somehow feel him understanding {because being 19 also has a lot of drama, amirite?}.

Devin is a goofball, in the best sense of the word. He's the entertainer, the one who isn't afraid to look like a fool for the sake of cheering people up. I have so many memories of him dancing around the house like a monkey to get a few laughs.

What else about Devin? Oh yeah, Devin's first word was "Sega," as in the video game console. Do you remember those? Every time we turned Sonic the Hedgehog on, a voice would sing, "Seeegaaaa," and Devin picked it up. I'm sure my mom was embarrassed to know that her kid's first word was about video games because her other kids played them too much. But.

Devin also had this mega man crush on Justin Timberlake, back in the N'Sync days. Like, he thought JT was the guy. He would watch N'Sync music videos and learn all the dance moves. I was so proud that my five year old brother favored N'Sync over the Backstreet Boys, because I was a firm supporter of Justin, JC, Lance, Chris, and Joey.

Didn't he turn out to be such a good-looking guy? He's a class act, this one. Devin, I miss you more than you know, I love you more than you think, and I can't wait to see what your two years in Japan will teach you. In the three months that you've been out, I've already seen you grow up, mature, and see what's important. I've seen you care about people and their happiness, and I know there are so many people who will be indebted to you for changing their lives for the better. I know I'm one of them. 

Happy birthday, kid!

swooning.

This weekend I did a lot of swooning. You know, the weak in the knees, flushed face, perma-smile swooning. I swooned over my favorite music and my favorite city, I swooned over the people and the smells and the views, the kind of swoon that comes from being back home, in a place you love, a place that's yours.

My friend Chrissy and I made the 13 hour trek to the Bay Area, where we met up with my little sister and rushed ourselves to the Shoreline Ampitheatre to see John Freaking Mayer. Say what you will about him, but I will defend his music to the grave. Every girl says she has a Taylor Swift song that she can relate to, but I have a story for every JM song. Slow dancing in a burning room? Check. Edge of desire? I've been on it. Gravity? Do I even need to comment? ANYway, I've wanted to see him in concert since I was 13 years old and bought "Room for Squares," but somehow it's never worked out. But this, this tour I would not miss. I almost did, but thanks to someone upstairs knowing that this has been on my bucket list for almost half my life, I was able to go.

Via

And it was perfect. Everything I hoped it would be. Guys, his lyrics. His LYRICS. So swoon-worthy. "So good you didn't see the nervous wreck I used to be. You'd never know a man could feel so small. And you never look at me like I'm a liability, I bet you think I've never been at all." Right? RIGHT? Taking time off and moving to Montana just to write sure looks good on him.

Can you tell I have a little {massive} crush? Forget writing about it, time for pictures.

Go see him. Just do it.

the dynamic quad.

As I was thinking about it today, this photo above might be the last one of the four of us together as we are right now. When Devin comes home in two years, there might be some new people and the family dynamic will be completely different. That thought is a little bittersweet, don't you think?

I love the four of us. I love Tyler, the quiet, observant older brother, who influenced me in every way possible — music, movies, food, etc. I miss driving with him in the early morning hours to Seminary in his Jeep, where we bonded over all sorts of things once our tiredness wore off. We both share the trait of not wanting to talk to anyone for a few minutes after we wake up, and we were both aware of the consequences if one of us tried to make conversation too early. ;) I love his willingness to listen, and I love most his unexpected, hilarious one-liners. The guy is FUN-NY. I'm so lucky to have him here with me whenever I need him.

I love Whitney, the vibrant, curious little sister, whose love for travel and art inspires me. She can take a photo like no other, and her singing voice is divine. I've never met someone who is so able to stand up for herself and others. The girl is fearless, and so kind at the same time.

And I love Devin. Sweet, sincere Devin. Devin, who is so excited to change the lives of people in Tokyo. I don't think you could ask for a better youngest. He's the very best. He is what made our family complete, the mac to our cheese, the cherry on our sundae. He can be relied on to liven up any situation, to bring a smile to anyone's face. He's just the sweetest, and I miss him fiercely.  

I'm sure lucky to have these three. They are my people. We get each other, we rely on each other, we share our parents' personality traits and looks. We all have the same offbeat sense of humor and sarcasm that can probably be attributed most to our dad. 

Families are the greatest, aren't they? Here are some more photos saying good-bye to this sweet guy:

^^ Here you have him, always willing to lighten up a sad moment. :)

^^ Our awesomeness can be attributed to these two people because they're pretty great.

 ^^ So ready to go!

 ^^ See you on the flip-side, Elder Justesen. You're going to be missed.

And happy birthdays to Whitney and Tyler this week. You both deserve the very best!

a post about how much i love spring.

I know everyone has a post like this dedicated to Spring, and I know I have a few already, but I can't get over it. Maybe it's because I know this will probably be my last Utah Spring, but I've been very aware about making sure I soak everything in. The sun streaming through the mountain peaks in the early hours of the morning, the smell of the pink cherry blossoms, the tulips. THE TULIPS! The soft green grass squishing between my bare toes, the slight breeze that has a touch of warmth along with the scent of magnolias.

Spring is my season. Spring is my season because the weather inspires me to be better, to renew myself just like everything else around me renews itself. Spring is my season because I was made for shorts, sandals, and cardigans. Spring is my season because with it comes playing catch, throwing a football, eating lunch outside on the stoop. Spring is my season because, as a persistent optimist, I'm constantly reminded to be happy when I step outside and the sun, not a blizzard, hits my face. I'm reminded to be happy when the eternally blue sky stretches out for as far as the eye can see. And most importantly, I'm reminded to happy because Spring teaches us that life is so, so good. There is so much to be happy about, so much to be grateful for.

So here's to you, Spring. I haven't found anyone you don't look good on.

love list.

I was skimming through a few of my recent posts and I realized they have been HEAVY. Some bad things have happened in the world, I've had a lot on my mind, and it's all come across in this little space. I'm not saying that's bad, but I hope you realize I'm not deep and dark and thoughtful all the time. So here's a lighthearted post of a few things I love today.

1. Sunflowers are my flower of choice right now. I discovered that you can get a bouquet at Sprout's for about $4. Aren't they just so happy, these little guys? I love putting them near a window and watching their long stems crane towards the sun. I understand that because I'm trying to do the same thing. 40 degrees today?? Come on, Utah.

2. Nostalgia. A couple of friends got me hooked on "Once Upon a Time" {I'm the kind who doesn't watch TV on the regular, so I discover a show a few seasons late and then binge-watch}, and guys, it's everything I love all wrapped up with a nice big bow. Fairy tales, drama, action, CAPTAIN HOOK {I'm crazy about anything Peter Pan}, and one of the darn best looking casts I've ever seen. But I love it most because of the nostalgia factor. It reminds me of my favorite childhood stories, where good always wins, the prince always gets the princess, where everyone lives happily ever after. A little sappy, yes, but just go with me on this one. It's like Disney for grownups. :) I'm a sucker for some nostalgia. If you watch it I'd love to analyze it with you!

3. Speaking of nostalgia, these photos. My grandpa has a collection of LIFE magazine issues from the 50s and 60s, and when I was a little girl one of my favorite things to do at his house was to carefully flip through the crinkled brown pages, wondering what that time was like. Aren't these beautiful? Thanks to Pinterest, I found some of my favorite photographs from the magazine, and they made me smile.

You just know this woman and her heels have somewhere important to be. :)

real beauty sketches.

Have you seen this video by Dove? It's amazing. As someone who believes I'm not as attractive as I am {I think that's something that plagues most people}, someone who doesn't see myself as others see me, I absolutely loved this. Its message is so powerful. I'd love to hear your thoughts on this, and I hope you share it with your mothers, your sisters, your daughters {PLEASE especially your daughters}, and other women, and men, in your life.



Way to go, Dove. Our society needs more messages like this.

the weekend i ate everything.

This weekend was one of those really good, solid weekends. One I was in desperate need of. My family was here, we listened to/went to General Conference, got Devin's mission shopping done {tears!}, and ate. And ate some more.

This weekend included hotel beds, Trader Joe's Cookie Butter, longs walks through the city, and family chats. We realized this was the first time in nine years that all six of us were together to watch Conference, and with Devin leaving and changes happening just the six of us might never watch it together again. So it was pretty emotional. We're all excited for the changes that'll be happening around these parts, but it's kind of sad to have our little gang change.

Wasn't Conference amazing? I left feeling so motivated, so fulfilled, so inspired. It's like a little spiritual kick for the next six months. What were your favorite talks? Mine were by Sister Dalton, President Uchtdorf, and Elder Holland. Exactly what I needed to hear. What were your favorites? {I linked to GC up above if you want to give them a listen!}.

I hope you had a wonderful weekend, too. I hope that you got to recharge and spend some time with family and friends. And I hope your weekend was full of the best kinds of hugs, kisses, and laughs, just like mine was.

sunday walks.

Sunday was by far the most beautiful day of 2013. I thought it was so fitting that it fell on Easter. My little brother was in town, and we decided to take a walk through Provo. On our walk we talked about a lot of deep things {when did this little guy grow up and want to talk about religion and politics and agency?}. But mainly we talked about hopes.

I hope I have a life full of walks. I hope that someday I live in a little yellow house with a red front door. I hope that I have a garden full of sunflowers, daisies, and daffodils. I hope that someday I have a white picket fence and my own little Tom Sawyers who can whitewash it every summer. I hope I lead a quiet, simple life. 

Sometimes I get restless. I've been feeling that a little bit lately, the growing pains, the feeling that this place is just getting smaller and smaller. I know change is coming in the next few months, but I realized yesterday that I need to appreciate where I am at each moment. I've lived in this little college town for almost six years, I've driven by that yellow house hundreds of times, but I've never noticed it. I've had some of the very best and very worst experiences of my life in this little town, and until yesterday I had never taken the time to think about who I am now because of those experiences. And they sure have shaped me. 

I'm grateful for the professors who challenged me, who taught me how to think and to form an opinion. I'm grateful for the callings that have stretched me, that have caused me to get out of my comfort zone, that have taught me that building relationships is the most important thing we do here. I'm grateful for the relationships I've developed with others. I'm grateful for the friends who have felt less like friends and more like family. I'm grateful for the times I've spent truly alone. While some of those times were hard, they are invaluable to me. 

Basically, I'm just feeling really grateful, and I'm excited for what's in store. Happy Spring! :)

inspiring me.

I'm just stopping in real quick to share with you a few words I've found this week that I've fallen in love with again. I hope you love them too!

Bless you, Pinterest. Gosh, I was so lucky to study what I studied at school and come across beautiful words like these. I'm so lucky to have a mom who encouraged me to read. I'm so lucky to have learned to appreciate the great minds that came up with these sentences.

I started reading Gone with the Wind this week for the third time. Have you ever read it? It's one of my favorites. It's a love story, but not in a Twilight/Nicholas Sparks kind of way. It's real and it's beautiful. It explores culture, history, relationships, everything. Every time I read it I'm amazed at new things I learn. I love the contrast between the characters of Scarlett and Melanie, and I love that I can see myself in both of them. Gosh, I could go on and on. Read it. I know you'll love it.

what is love? baby don't hurt me.

Admit it, when you read the title of this post, you finished the chorus too, didn't you? The question of "What is love?" popped into my head today, and I couldn't help but think, "Baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me...no more."

Today I was at work thinking of other things as one sometimes does when they're working, and that question just hopped onto my brain and got stuck there. I've written about love once or twice before here, but I want to really get into it today. 

I was listening to my usual playlist of John Mayer and Coldplay {try it and your workday will be transformed, promise} and John's song "Love is a Verb" appropriately came on. I don't care what your opinion of John is as a person, but you have to admit that his lyrics are incredible. I get sucked right into them.

Anyway, as I was listening, it hit me that "love" is an action word. It's not a noun, it's not a thing. You can say "I love you" to whoever you want, but what does it mean to really love them? My dad always said to us when I was growing up, "Don't give me lip service, give me action." Meaning, "Don't tell me you're going to do something, do it." I think love is a little like that. It's nice to be told you're loved, but isn't it nicer when someone shows you? I think it's because so much effort goes into showing and proving. If in a relationship, all you do is tell the person you love them, how much are you really going to progress? I don't care what kind of relationship it is, either. Romantic, familial, friendship — same thing applies. 

I love the line in the song that says, "Love ain't a crutch, it ain't an excuse. No you can't get through love on just a pile of IOUs." Then he says, "You gotta show me." There's the action again.

Is this all making sense? I hope so. I've found I have a tendency to make things up in my head and they make complete sense, but when they spill out people say, "huh?"

That's just something to think about, I guess. It's been interesting to see how people show love for others. I'm a service giver/quality timer, so this song makes a lot more sense to me. 

This morning I read Elder Ballard's talk from October 2012 General Conference, called "Be Anxiously Engaged." In it Elder Ballard says, "There is power in our love for God and for His children, and when that love is tangibly manifest in millions of acts of Christian kindness, it will sweeten and nourish the world with the life-sustaining nectar of faith, hope, and charity." Isn't that beautiful? Maybe reading that talk this morning is what got me on this love kick. 

I'm sure all of you are smart enough to know what love is, but writing it out like this helps me process it and helps me see how I can show love to more people. But I know I want to be better at showing people that I love them rather than just saying it. Because I think the impact is so much greater when we make the effort.

* On a side note, my favorite line in "Love is a Verb" is "love ain't a drug, despite what you've heard." That's the best subtle jab at Ke$ha I've ever heard. ;)

a big kiss and a thank you.

This is just a quick post to say thank you to everyone who gave me feedback yesterday! It's nice to know I'm not alone in feeling the way I do about blogging and social media. Nothing gets me more excited than seeing that someone left me a little comment or a text message or a phone call letting me know that they feel the exact same way. And I'm glad we're coming up with solutions. Solidarity, sisters! {and the guys that might read this.} And a happy Wednesday to you all. :)

love letters.

Happy Valentine's Day. This year I'm celebrating without a "valentine," but I don't think you need one to make the day meaningful. Sometimes it catches my breath a little thinking of all the people who I love, who love me right back, even when sometimes it's undeserved.

I have a lot of thoughts on love. I think I've been in it before, and it's beautiful and messy and motivating and scary. I think love makes you want to be the best possible version of you, makes you care more about the well-being of another person than of yourself.

There's so much I could say about love, but today I'm excited about who I'm going to let speak instead. I found a few love letters from some musicians, actors, former presidents, etc., and I think they should be shared.

Johnny Cash to June:

Hey June,

That's really nice, June. You've got a way with words and a way with me as well.

The fire and excitement may be gone now that we don't go out there and sing them anymore, but the ring of fire still burns around you and is keeping our love hotter than a pepper sprout. 

Love, 

John

Happy birthday Princess,

We get old and get used to each other. We think alike. We read each other's minds. We know what the other wants without asking. Sometimes we irritate each other a little bit. Maybe sometimes take each other for granted.

But once in a while, like today, I meditate on it and realize how lucky I am to share my life with the greatest woman I ever met. You still fascinate and inspire me. You influence me for the better. You're the object of my desire, the #1 earthly reason for my existence. I love you very much.

Happy birthday Princess.

John

Ronald Reagan to Nancy:

My Darling Wife,

This note is to warn you of a diabolical plot entered into by some of our so-called friends {ha!}, calendar makers and even our own children. These and others would have you believe we've been married 20 years. 

20 minutes maybe — but never 20 years. In the first place it is a known fact that a human cannot sustain the high level of happiness I feel for more than a few minutes — and my happiness keeps increasing. 

I will confess to one puzzlement but I'm sure it is just some trick perpetrated by our friends {ha again!}. I can't remember ever being without you and I know I was born more than 20 minutes ago.

Oh well — that isn't important. The important thing is I don't want to be without you for the next 20 years, or 40, or however many there are. I've gotten very used to being happy and I love you very much indeed. 

Your husband of 20 something or other. 

Marlon Brando to a stewardess:

Dear Lady,

There is something not quite definable in your face — something lovely, not pretty in a conventionally thought of way. You have something graceful and tender and feminine. You seem to be a woman who has been loved in her childhood, or else, somehow by the mystery of genetic phenomena you have been visited by the gifts of refinement, dignity and poise. Perhaps you cannot be accredited with all that.

Irrespective of your gothic aspects, you have passed something on in terms of your expression, mien and general comportment that is unusual and rewarding. 

It's been a pleasant if brief encounter and I wish you well and I hope we shall have occasion to cross eyes again sometime. 

Best wishes,

Marlon Brando

Jimi Hendrix to a girlfriend:

little girl...

happiness is within you...so unlock the chains from your heart and let yourself grow — 

like the sweet flower you are...

I know the answer —

just spread your wings and set yourself FREE

love to you forever

Jimi Hendrix

Rockwell Kent to his wife Frances:

Frances! I am so lonely I can hardly bear it. As one needs happiness so have I needed love; that is the deepest need of the human spirit. And as I love you utterly, so have you now become the whole world of my spirit. It is beside and beyond anything that you can ever do for me; it lies in what you are, dear love — to me so infinitely lovely that to be near you, to see you, hear you, is now the only happiness, the only life, I know. How long these hours are alone!

Yet is good for me to know the measure of my love and need, that I may at least be brought to so govern myself as never to lose the love and trust that you have given me.

Dear Frances, let us make and keep our love more beautiful than any love has ever been before. 

Forever, dearest one.

Thy 

Rockwell.

Michael Jordan to a high-school girlfriend:

My Dearest Laquette

How are you and your family doing, fine I hope. I am in my Adv. Chemistry class writing you a letter, so that tells you how much I care for you. I decide to write you because I felt that I made you look pretty rotten after the last night. I want to tell you that I am sorry, and hope that you except my apologie. I know that you feelings was hurt whenever I loss my necklace or had it stolen.

I was really happy when you gave me my honest earn money that I won off the bet. I want to thank you for letting me hold your annual. I show it to everyone at school. Everyone think you are a very pretty young lady and I had to agree because it is very true. Please don't let this go to your head {smile}. I sorry to say that I can't go to the game on my birthday because my father is taking the whole basketball team out to eat on my birthday. Please don't be mad because I am trying get down there a week from Feb. 14. If I do get the chance to come please have some activity for us to do together.

I want you to know that my feelings for you has not changed yet {joke}. I am finally getting used to going with a girl much smaller than I. I hope you like my hint. Well I have spent my time very wisely by write to you. I hope you write back soon. Well I must go, the period is almost over. See you next time around, which I hope comes soon. 

With my best love,

Michael J. Jordan

Aren't these the greatest? I love how different people portray love. Ronald Reagan used humor, Jimi Hendrix and his poetry, Johnny Cash and his honesty. I love how sincere each letter is, how much you can tell each writer meant what they said. Even Michael Jordan as a high school student. :)

I hope you all have a great V-Day, and take some time to write a note to someone you care about, will you?