glimpses.

Hello, hi, I'm here! I know I need to make my blogging more consistent — every day I have post ideas, but I never take the time to actually sit down and write them out. And I sure miss it. Typing is therapeutic for me, writing helps me clear my head and somehow make sense of the random thoughts and ideas I have skipping around up there. So here I am, not quite sure where to start, but knowing that I want to, and for the sake of my sanity, probably need to. :) 

I'm going to be brutally honest, while I'm loving my life out here in the Bay, for the last few weeks I've been a little scared. Everything has just been so easy — finding housing out here, making friends, it's all just clicked. And I haven't had "easy" in a while. I know you probably think I'm crazy for quitting a job I enjoyed and making a random move to a new place without a new one lined up, and that's fine. But the best way to explain why is because I just needed to, for me. Fresh start, clean slate, clear eyes, full hearts, and all of that. I had a friend out here tell me he thinks I'm brave for making such a big leap, and whether it's bravery or not, it feels good to know that I've done something for myself, something that maybe did take some courage. 

But back to being scared. I've had a job since I was 16. And all of a sudden, not having one has been like a big shock to my system. I knew I'd enjoy the break for a while, but trust me, binging on Netflix gets old quickly {although now I do have some great TV and movie recommendations, so get at me for those!}. I've been frustrated that, for the last month or so, a job hasn't been on the horizon. I've been frustrated that, after making my resumé the best I think it can be, no one has been willing to give me a chance. I'm sure I don't need to tell you that rejection sucks. This past week I've been doing a lot of thinking, and I think I came up with the reason why I feel like I keep getting put into the "reject" pile. Since I decided to make the move out here, everything fell into place for me, like I said. My life has been pretty easy. And I fell into this rut and figured that things would continue that way, and somehow a job would fall into my lap. 

Well, it hasn't. 

And it's left me feeling a little angry with myself. So I finally decided this weekend to buckle down and make being employed a priority. Living off of savings only lasts for so long, and just assuming that my life is going to continue to be easy is pretty stupid.

This brings me to the title of this post, "glimpses." I've really been focusing on those today. I'm trying to notice moments that remind me that, even though I'm feeling a little frustrated, I'm still loved, I'm still cared for. I babysit a few times a week for a family here with two little boys, and today as I was putting the youngest one down for a nap, he looked me right in the eyes and said, "hey, I like you." Glimpse. I got an interview today for a job I applied for that I never thought I'd hear back from. Glimpse. I spent time getting to know some new people tonight, and they laughed at my corny jokes. And for the record, they were genuine laughs, not those pity ones. ;) Another glimpse.

I firmly believe that everyone has their own personal relationship with God, and we all communicate with him in different ways. I speak to him when I pray, and he responds to me in these glimpses. It's like he's saying, "Hey. I've got your back. You do your part, and I'll do mine to remind you that I think you're awesome and capable and worth it." 

I'm not sure what the point of this post is, or whether it makes sense to anyone else, but I just needed to write somewhere that I'm recognizing these glimpses, and that I'm learning very quickly that when we go through a stage where life is easy, it doesn't mean we can kick back. I'm sure most of you already know this, but it's a lesson I'm in the process of piecing together. 

So, with this doozy of a post I say, thanks for reading and trying to make sense of what comes out of my head, into the keyboard, and onto this screen. It's good to make this a regular thing again. I'm off to prepare for an interview! :)

a series of lasts.

Today was my last full day in Provo, so I thought it would be fun to take my overly-packed car and drive around, just to see a few of my favorite spots one more time. You know, "this is that place I had my car repaired after my accident." "This is where I ate dinner on that really awkward date." "This is were I had that great conversation with an old friend." "This is where I had my first job." But I also realized that today was a series of lasts. This is the last time I'll eat at this place, this is my last day of work, this is the last time I'll see these people. And it's really sad! I never thought I'd say it, but Provo really was my home for the last few years. It's where my life has been, where my people have been, where many of the most important things in my life have been.

This series of lasts had my heart breaking a little bit as I drove down the familiar University Avenue, and as I crossed over Bulldog and State Street. "Hey! That's the DI where I bought WAY too many bad 80s clothes and ugly Christmas sweaters." I know I've complained about this place a lot, as many college students do, and I know that leaving is the right thing for me, but it's still tough to say goodbye. As a big book nerd, I love chapters {true fact: I once wrote an English essay on the symbolism and significance of chapters}. I love the plot twists, the cliff hangers, the changes that the end of each chapter brings. I don't know if my Provo/BYU chapter ends on a cliffhanger. I think it ends on a good note. It was a chapter that had some ups and downs, a few big plot twists, and some changes, but I feel like it's ending with everything tied together. No loose ends. Sometimes those aren't the most exciting chapters, but for me it was definitely one that caused me to learn a lot. I mean a lot. I went from an immature, unexperienced 18 year old to a somewhat {hopefully} more mature, somewhat more experienced 24 year old, and for me, that's enough. If I had to title this chapter, I think I would call it "Holy Ground." {NOT to be confused with the Taylor Swift song, that phrase has been around much longer than she has}. It really was for me.

As I was thinking about all these "lasts," I realized that, on that highway ahead of me, I'll have some "firsts." One of my favorite things about babies is watching them experience "firsts." A first step, a first smile, a first laugh. I think we forget that as we grow older, we still have those. And that's the one thing that's really keeping me from breaking down with this move. Along with these "lasts," I have some "firsts" to look forward to. My first day at my new job out there, first time meeting new people, etc. And that's something exciting to look forward to. If I have to name this new chapter, I think I'll steal my sister's word for the year and call it "Onward."

So this whole thing is a little scary, and a lot exciting. As an old chapter closed today, a new one opens tomorrow, and I can't wait to see the plot twists that it holds for me.

As always, thanks for reading.

trust.

So, I'm moving to California in 4 days. 4 days! I'm at that point where I'm freaking out just a little, but in a good way. It's more of an excited freaking out instead of a nervous one. To be honest, I haven't been really nervous about this move, which I take as a good sign. Ever since I made the decision to go, I've felt very peaceful. I'm even pretty proud of my packing skills, I've thrown out everything I don't use anymore, and let me tell you that getting rid of junk is one of the best feelings in the world.

Last year, at the start of 2013, I chose a word that I wanted to focus on. That word was "calm." I wanted to have more of it, be more of it, and recognize more of it. And I'm happy to say that, while I wasn't perfect with it, I think I was pretty successful. Whenever I'd have some sort of freak-out, I tried my darndest to focus and relax. And you know what? It works. 

This year, for 2014, my new word is "trust." I'm going to be completely honest when I say that 2013 gave me quite a bruising in the relationships area, both in dating and friendships. I know everyone goes through things like that, but for some reason in 2013 I lost a lot of confidence in people, and because of that, I lost confidence in myself. I noticed that I became very distrustful of people, because past experiences convinced me that everyone was going to let me down. It was rough. 

But now that it's 2014 {happy New Year, by the way!}, my goal is to really trust others, to lose the pessimism I was holding onto. Not everyone wants me to fail, not everyone wants to hurt me. I just need to find those people. :) And most importantly, I need to trust myself. I'm a little terrified about new jobs and new experiences when I move, and I'm nervous that I'm not going to trust that I can do hard things. But I need to. I need to trust that I'm capable of doing amazing things, just like we all are. I need to trust that other people want to help me, and I need to trust that God is on my side. 

So here's to you, 2014. You good looking year, you! I have a feeling that you're going to rock. While 2013 does hold some special memories, I'm glad that it's over. And I'm excited to see what's in store for all of us this year. What are some of your goals? I'd love to hear them!

Read about my 2013 word here. 

palo alto.

Drumroll please.........

So my big news is that in two weeks, I'm moving to Palo Alto, California! It's funny, that's actually the place I was born in, and for some reason it seems a little bit ironic that I'm going back. But it just feels right, you know?

For a long time I was terrified of leaving Provo, especially of leaving Provo with that one terrifying word attached to me...single. I honestly never thought I'd see that happen. I fought leaving as long as I could, just to see if maybe someone would come along and erase that word from my mental list of my self-perceived flaws. And while I've dated some incredible guys {and some not-so-incredible, as one does}, it became clear to me that maybe he isn't in Provo. Maybe he is somewhere else. And after some time, I came to accept that idea and be okay with it. Maybe I wouldn't have that "fairytale" BYU wedding that you always hear about growing up, the one that I was so sure would happen for me when I entered Helaman Halls six years ago.

And you know what? It's fine. I'm going to be okay. And if you made the leap like I'm about to, you'll be just fine, too.

I've learned that when we're doing what feels right to us, things generally fall into place. I decided a month or so ago that the Bay Area is where I want to be, and everything seemed to take care of itself after that. I found a great house with some great girls, my contract here sold, I've got some potential jobs lined up. For the last year or so I'd been fighting this feeling that NOTHING was working in my favor, so it was so refreshing to see things happen the way I needed them to.

Tonight I went through some things I've saved over my years at BYU and in Provo, and they brought a smile to my face and a few tears to my eyes. Yes, it's been hard, but this chapter of my life has been amazing. I've met some of the best people I know, I gained an invaluable education, I've grown up. Hours and hours of studying for finals, road trips, late night Slurpee runs, all of those memories will be carefully tucked away in a safe corner of my brain, and I'm sure will influence the next part of my life.

So here's to new adventures, in a new place, with a new job, and with new people. And most importantly, here's to warmer weather, am I right?

So folks, I'll try to keep up regular posts here but with Christmas and moving it might be a little tough. But thanks for reading! The comments I get mean the world to me. I always hope that this little space might help someone who feels like no one understands them or gets how they feel, or someone who needs a bit of a laugh. I'll be here for you as much as I can.

Have a very merry, safe, beautiful Christmas!

iris.

I have two bad day movies. Those movies you pop in when life seems like it's falling down your shoulders, when a tidal wave of crap just seems to keep knocking you down. You know those days, yeah? Today we had our first big snowstorm. The kind where your car gets stuck in a parking spot, one of your windshield wipers breaks, and you spill your dinner and lose just one brand-new earring. Tidal wave, folks.

So I settled in with my two go-to movies, "You've Got Mail" {duh} and "The Holiday." Now if I could, I'd probably take out the Cameron Diaz story, because I relate fully and completely to Iris. She and Kathleen Kelly are my people. The hard workers who seem to be a little bit overlooked. Sometimes I feel like that, especially lately. You know when you feel like maybe you're not reaching your full potential? That's me right now. It's requiring me to make some changes, which is terrifying. But if Iris and Kathleen can do it, so can I.

I've learned recently that I need to surround myself with people who make me feel good about myself, which is something I haven't been doing so much lately. I have great friends, I really do, but some of them make me leave feeling bad about myself. Things are said or done, all in the name of a "joke," that make me feel worthless. I know this and I know how awful it makes me feel, but I don't do anything about it. Why? Maybe I'm being too vague so this doesn't make sense to you. I guess what I'm trying to say is that for the last few months, my confidence level has been pretty low. Maybe at an all-time low, I'm not too sure.

Anyway, I guess what I'm trying to say is that it's time for me to make changes. New place, new people, new confidence level. I'm ready to be pushed. I'm ready to be completely happy again.

Anyway, these two clips really stood out to me. Preach, Iris and Joe.


{Please pardon the language. You know Patricia. :) }

some lessons.

Have you ever had something hit you so hard that it gave you a stomach ache, but the good kind? Not in the literal sense but in the sense that a lightbulb goes on in your head and you say to yourself, "well duh!"? And it makes so much sense that it makes your stomach ache? Maybe it's just me, but that happened recently.

I'll tell about my trip home later, but over the weekend I had the realization that I've got some big changes to make. They are changes I've known I've needed to make for a while, but I've been procrastinating. I'm living in a place that, while it's been great to me, is not mine anymore. For the last few years, it has been. It's taught me a lot of very important lessons that will carry me into my next phase, and for that I'll forever be grateful for this little college town.

So here are, to me, some of the most important lessons I've learned here. Some were hard, some were fun, and all shaped me and helped kickstart me into my next chapter, which I'm starting to get excited about. And who knows, maybe it'll help a girl who's just about to move into my town to start her new chapter.

1. Be a good friend. Once you're out on your own, you rely on the people who come into your life as much as you do your family. And a few times I learned the hard way that it's so important to treat people the way you want to be treated. The golden rule is a real thing, folks. I'm a natural giver, that's what I like to do. I like to help people. But if you are constantly doing things for someone with nothing in return, it's probably time to think seriously about if that person deserves to stay around.

2. On the flip side of that, be careful who you trust. I hate that I had to learn this, but I learned the hard way. I grew up thinking that everyone had my back, that their intentions were good, which is a great way to grow up. But eventually I learned to become a realist. While most people are on your side, there will be a few who are not. It's important to learn who those people are as quickly as you can. And make sure that people can easily trust you.

3. Keep a constant watch on your bank account. This is important! When you're living paycheck to paycheck, as most college students and recent grads do, it's easy to go a little overboard. *guilty* Learn how to save, but also learn where and when to splurge. Sometimes {and only sometimes}, a new sweater can make a bad day turn out pretty good. Especially if you look killer in it. :)

4. Don't stalk past exes on Facebook, Instagram, etc. I know this sounds like silly advice, but it's true! I seem to be the lucky girl who dates the guy who, about a week after you break up, is dating someone else. And it sucks! So why make yourself sad by keeping up with them? I learned that, by seeing how happy they are without you, it's easy to forget that you're happy, too. And maybe if you're not right now, you will be. I promise.

5. Take pictures. As a freshman I was one of those obnoxious 18 year olds who wanted a picture of EVERYTHING. But as the years went by and I lived with roommates who I relied on for photos, I all but stopped. And I regret that. So find that fine line between obnoxious teenager and "too mature for her own good" 20-something and take some dang photos! Just don't go Instacrazy. Three or more photos of the same event calls for a Facebook album. ;)

I'm sure there are quite a few more lessons I could post, but this is turning into a novel and I'm sure you're bored by now. So these are my top five. If you want more, leave me a nice little comment. :)

a letter to my little guy.

I got some really great responses for my last post {thank you!}, so I thought it might be kind of fun to write a letter to any future boys I might have and round out this little series. Granted, I've never been a boy, but I sure have spent a lot of time with them throughout my life, and I'd like to think I've learned a few things in my last 24 years that I'd hope to teach my future boys.

Dear Son,

I know you're not here yet, but I can't wait until you are. Don't tell anyone, but when I grew up babysitting, boys were always my favorite. :) You're all just so fun! I can't wait to spend hours playing catch with you, and kicking around a soccer ball, and reading to you.

As you grow up, there are a few things that I hope I can teach you. First, I want to teach you how to have a sense of humor. My dad and my brothers have great ones, and I hope that's something you inherit, too. You'll find that a sense of humor will allow others to feel comfortable around you, it can diffuse negative situations, and it'll just make you awesome. It's so important to learn that you can't take life too seriously. I hope you learn to have some fun!

I hope that I can teach you how to respect others, especially your elders. There's not enough of that today, and that makes me sad. Older people always have so much wisdom and smarts, and, while you might not want to admit it sometimes {especially when you're an angsty teenager}, they're almost always right. Take it from me, a teenager who had her angsty moments, your parents are right 95% of the time. And just so you know, this isn't my sneaky way of making sure you listen to me someday. I've still got some learning to do before I can tell you that I'm always right. ;) But I hope you listen to your teachers, your parents, your grandparents, and any other good, influential older people you come across in your life.

Along with respecting adults, I want to teach you to respect women. Know that the girls you associate with are just as awesome as you, they're just awesome in different ways. NO ONE is superior in any way. And just a tip, when you start dating, girls will watch how you treat other women, how you talk about them, what you think about them. And nothing is more attractive than a guy who respects us, and nothing is more unattractive than a guy who doesn't. So be aware. ;)

Along this line of respect, I hope I can teach you to respect yourself. Never be too hard on yourself. Life is tough! And sometimes you'll be overwhelmed, but that's okay. I hope you learn to be optimistic and just keep truckin'. Know that you are loved, you are important, and that as long as you don't give up, you'll have a hard time failing.

I hope you love what you do. Whether you decide to be an astronaut, a doctor, a pirate, I hope you're lucky enough to love it. I hope you're passionate about whatever you decide to do with your life. I was lucky to grow up with parents who love what they do, and I saw the benefits that come from that.

I hope I can teach you to be a good friend. If I've learned anything it my life, it's that to have good friends, you have to be one first. So do all that you can to make time for other people, and when you listen, really listen. Because I promise you're going to need people to really listen to you.

Lastly, I hope I can teach you to hang onto your childhood for as long as you can. Too many kids today want to grow up so fast, and I promise that once you do, you sure miss that childhood. I hope your imagination stays with you for a long time, and I hope that you know that it's okay to use it.

I sure love you, Squirt, and I can't wait to meet you someday.

Love,
Your snarky, hardheaded, crazy mom

a letter to my girl.

The other day as I was shopping, I overheard a mother tell her teenage daughter that she {the daughter} was "too chunky." This broke my heart. To a girl, her mother is the most important person in her life, the person she aspires to be, who she aims to please, who she wants to make proud. So when a mother openly points out a flaw in a way that breaks the daughter down, it's no wonder that we have so many girls who question who they are, how they were made, and what they can do.

I know I'm no mother, but that small comment had me thinking a lot today. I might have kiddos someday, and I might have a girl. What would I want her to know? Having been through teenagedom myself, what can I tell her now that I might forget in 20 years?

Dear Daughter,

I know I haven't met you yet, but I love you already. There's something special about little girls, and I think it's their innocence. I hope that that isn't taken away from you too soon. Today the world seems to teach us that innocence is a bad thing, but I disagree. Innocence keeps you pure. Some people think innocence is ignorance, but it's not. Innocence to me is being aware of what goes on around you, but keeping yourself from getting involved in what you shouldn't. I hope that you never have a desire to lose your innocence. Because once it's gone, you can't get it back.

I hope that as you get older, you never lose sight of who you are. You are so, so loved, and I hope you remember that you come from a line that consists of many strong women. My mom and my sister are two women who I look up to. Smart, successful, and driven, these are women who work hard for what they get. They are secure in who they are, and I hope that's something you inherit.

Please don't think that you have to fit a certain mold. Too many girls today, myself included, have an idea of what they should be: tall, thin, wealthy, beautiful, powerful, with a perfect home, a perfect wardrobe, a perfect family life. Sometimes we don't fit all those molds. I hope that you create your own mold, a mold that fits who you are perfectly.

I hope that I can teach you to be independent. One of the things that I've learned recently is that you need to know how to rely on yourself. Sometimes people will let you down, and that can be disappointing. But if you know how to take care of you, you will be so much happier.

On the flipside of that, don't be afraid to ask for help. Your mom is stubborn, and asking for help has always been hard for her. ;) But I've learned over the last year that people do want to help, and I need to let them. So know when you can't do something on your own anymore, and ask for help. If you have spent your life being kind to others, they will line up to give you a hand.

Be consistent. I hope that you don't change yourself for a boy, for a group you want to fit into, or for anyone else. If people don't accept you for what you bring to the table, they aren't worth your time.

Always tell the truth. All lying does is get you into trouble. And people have an easier time picking up on lies than you might think. Life will be so much easier, and it will be easier to gain the trust of others, when you are honest.

Be a good friend, especially once you move away from home. There will come times in your life when you need someone, and I won't be near you. If you've been a good friend to others, they'll be the same in return. Also, on a side note, when you're dating someone, maintain your friendships! It can be easy to forget about friends when you're wrapped up in a relationship, but you will still need those people in your life, I promise. Don't forget about them, and don't let them forget about you.

The biggest thing I want to tell you is that sometimes life doesn't work out exactly how we plan, and that's okay. Your mom has had so many plans that didn't seem to work out quite the way she wanted them to, but she's learning. ;) The biggest thing I've learned is that usually, things work out better than we've planned. We just need to be patient and let everything unfold.

I have so much more that I'm excited to teach you someday, but the things I've mentioned are, in my opinion, the most important. Be kind, be funny, lend a helping hand, and you'll do just fine. If you end up anything like me, it might take you a few bumps in the road to learn these things, but sometimes God just has a way of working on us stubborn ones. When we refuse to learn something, he keeps teaching us until we get the message!

Can't wait until you get here someday.

Love,
Your impatient, stubborn, silly, restless mom

the desire to create is one of the deepest yearnings of the human soul.

At work I do a lot of editing. A lot. Editing is something I feel comfortable doing, and I hardly ever doubt myself. Me and that red pen, man, we're pretty close. An editor's relationship with their red pen is something you just don't question.

At work I also do a lot of graphic designing. A lot. But design is not something I feel comfortable doing, and I doubt myself pretty frequently. We have standard templates we use in designing every newspaper page, but we're encouraged to be creative, to open up that box and step outside a little bit. Nothing too crazy, but a little crazy is always encouraged.

Today I met with my supervisor, and while she told me I'm doing well with the design part of my work, I could be doing better. That's something I've been aware of for a while now. I'm comfortable sticking to the templates put in front of me. I doubt myself when it comes to my work in that arena. Will other people like it? Is it too boring? Is it too loud? These questions and about a billion others like them run through my head. Editing is very objective — something is usually right or it's wrong. Design, on the other hand, is subjective, and that's the scary part.

As we talked about being creative and not being afraid of what other people think of something {because, really, if you like something, chances are that most people will too}, our discussion led to an old Mormon Messages video {a perk of living in Utah...somehow everything comes back to the Church}. It's called "Create," and it's based on a talk given by President Uchtdorf to women about our desire, and need, to make beautiful things. {If you want to read the full talk, click here.}

I love that we all have this desire to create, to put our stamp on the world. We create every day. Cooking meals, work, even getting dressed are works of art. Thinking about this made me realize that I can't stay in my little corner of the box when it comes to my work. I have to bust out of that thing and make creating an adventure. And we all know how I feel about adventures. Sure, it can be scary. The fear of rejection or disapproval is a very real thing, and that's something I'm very vulnerable to. My poor, big stupid heart can't take being rejected! But I think in that lies the beauty of creativity. You either learn to cater your work to others, or you just say "screw it" and create whatever you find beautiful.

Because really, wouldn't the second choice be more fun? So here's to us, the people who doubt our creativity or who know we have it in us but are scared to put it on display. Let's work on that, shall we?

these women, i tell ya.

The other day as I was watching "You've Got Mail" for the umpteenth time {because, really, every Fall you HAVE to watch that movie at least twice}, I realized that there are a few literary and film characters {or both} who have had the biggest impact on my life, who have shaped me and my thoughts and my plans, and I admire them. 

Sure, they're fictional, but what they are and what they do and what they stand for are real to me. But the thing I love most about these women is that they are all very brave. The greatest compliment I've ever received was when someone told me he thought I was brave. Whether or not that's actually true about me, these women are, and I like to think us brave girls stick together. 

And so. The list of Alexa's favorite fictional women, and why, in no particular order:

Jo March

Josephine March is my girl crush. She is my spirit animal. Jo is not afraid to march {see what I did there? That's a knee-slapper} into her neighbor's house to take care of a sick boy, she's not afraid to rescue her sister from the depths of an icy pond, she's not afraid to run to a new city when she just needs a break. 

The part that I admire most about Jo is when she told Laurie "no." That's a hard, scary thing, something I've had to do before. Ripping off a security blanket of something that's good, but not the best, is terrifying. But when I had to do it, I looked to Jo. It was tough, the thing she and I had to do, but if Jo has taught me anything, it's that the ultimate outcome is SO much better. 

{If you want to read more about my thoughts on Jo, click here.}

Kathleen Kelly

Going to the mattresses. That's what Kathleen Kelly does when it's time for her to be brave. She proves that just because you're adorable and love daisies and twinkle lights, it doesn't mean you can't have a backbone. 

Kathleen Kelly also knows how to bow out gracefully. She ultimately lost her fight with big bad Fox Books, and while I'm sure she was upset about it, she accepted defeat and plunged on ahead. And the best part is that, because she was always so kind, there were people waiting on the other side who wanted to help her out. What a girl, that Kathleen Kelly.

{Read more about Kathleen and one of my favorite writers, Norah Ephron, here and here.

Maria Von Trapp {as played by Julie Andrews}

How do you solve a problem like Maria? You don't, because Maria isn't a problem.  What a brave girl to not only take on seven children, but to go against all of their rules. 

I admire most Maria's commitment to God. She wanted so badly to be a nun, but when she felt like God had a different plan for her, she went with it. Now that right there is bravery.

Scarlett O'Hara

If you're looking for brave, Scarlett O'Hara is your girl. When I first read the book, I admit that I hated Scarlett. To me, she was a stubborn, spoiled brat, who couldn't see how much Rhett loved her because she was so convinced that she had to have someone else.

But when I read it and watched the movie again, I saw her differently. I saw a girl who was trying to get the best for herself. Sure, some of her methods were a little questionable, but Scarlett knew how to fight. One of my favorite scenes from both the book and the movie is when, after her family loses everything during the Civil War, Scarlett stands in her garden and shouts, "As God as my witness, as God as my witness they're not going to lick me. I'm going to live through this and when it's all over, I'll never be hungry again...As God as my witness, I'll never be hungry again!" And she never was.

So these are a few of my favorite people. I raise my glass to you, ladies.

closing doors and opening windows.

One of my most favorite movies is "The Sound of Music." And one of my favorite quotes in that movie is when Maria, feeling a little perplexed about what she should be doing with her life {this sounds a little too familiar to me} says, "When the Lord closes a door, somewhere He opens a window." I really believe that.

This week I felt as though I've been closing a lot of doors. I was released from the calling I had for the last year that I was absolutely in love with, which did so much good for me. It was a little bittersweet to let it go. I thought to myself that it was the greatest challenge as well as the greatest blessing, and I was able to work with so many, many amazing girls.

I'm moving to a new place this week, which means I'm shutting the door on my old one. I haven't moved in about 2 and a half years, so this feels all new to me! I'm excited for the adventure and meeting new people, but a little terrified at the same time. I haven't been the "new girl" in a few years. My calling required me to be on the "welcome wagon," and now I have to jump off it. 

This week has just been a giant reminder to me that we are always where we need to be. Moving from where I am and doing what I love has been sad, because it really feels like a part of my life is closing. And I guess it is, but it could be a great thing. Don't we always love new chapters in stories? It means a new plot line, a new piece to the puzzle. And sometimes, the start of a new chapter is a great place to stop and take a break. I hate to stop reading in the middle of a page, so I usually read until the end of the chapter before I put the book down for a while. It's exactly the same with life. A new chapter provides a much-needed break, it adds more to our story, it adds new lessons, new challenges, new characters, etc. And for that I couldn't be more excited. 

On a lighter note, who wants to help me pack? :)

inherently good.

Today I was on my way to run some errands when my dad called letting me know about the tragedy that was happening in Boston. After hearing all the gruesome details, I felt sick. I felt angry. I felt scared. Movie theaters, schools, marathons, is anywhere safe anymore? It doesn't appear that way, does it?

Working in the news like I do can be tough. I read so many stories every day about such awful things, that I've had to learn to desensitize myself towards it or else I would be so angry all the time. I don't want to pretend like it isn't real, because I think understanding and being aware of reality is a good and healthy thing. But how can we live in a world where such cruel, painful things happen on a regular basis, and still be okay?

I was thinking a lot about this as I sat at work, trying to find images of the bombing to use in the paper that weren't too graphic. I was skimming through Twitter, trying to keep up on the most recent details of the situation, when I came across this tweet:

And then I remembered. Human beings are inherently good. People are good. There are many who let anger or bitterness or a desire for revenge cloud that goodness, causing events like the one that happened today to occur, but we must remember that these are the minority. After a tragedy like this occurs, it's always good therapy for me to search for stories of the good, the heroism, that comes out of it. Because it always does. One of my favorite quotes is this one by Martin Luther King, Jr.:

"I believe that unarmed truth and unconditional love will have the final word in reality. This is why right, temporarily defeated, is stronger than evil triumphant."

However fairytale-ish this sounds, good always wins. 

Life hands us tough things. Events like today may make us want to stay inside and never experience what good the world has to offer, at the risk of being involved in something like today. But we can't. All we can do is be an influence for charity, for selflessness, for kindness. We have to remember that, while awful things happen, we can't let them desensitize or isolate us. We have to know that bad will happen, but that good is still everywhere. While feeling anger is natural, it's so important to make sure we're not bitter. We have to be that force for good.

"The future of this world has long been declared; the final outcome between good and evil is already known. There is absolutely no question as to who wins because the victory has already been posted on the scoreboard. The only really strange thing in all of this is that we are still down here on the field trying to decide which team's jersey we want to wear." Jeffrey R. Holland

This quote always gives me chills, especially if you hear it directly from his mouth. I'm a sore loser, so let's make sure to pick the right team. :) Let's be the people who, while everyone else is running away, run towards those who need our help. My hope is that, when awful things like this happen, the stories of those who helped, who responded, cancel out the stories of the event itself.

And everyone please say a special prayer tonight not only for those affected in Boston, but for those involved in tragedies all over the world that we don't hear about.

ask questions.

Here's a little quirk I have. Sometimes I'm afraid to ask questions. This wasn't the case when I was a little girl. I was the obnoxious kid who followed grown-ups around, asking, "But why? But why?" I was the kid who sat at the dinner table with the adults because I was far more interested in listening to conversations about politics and religion and people than sitting with kids my age. I had so many questions.

But that's faded a little bit in the last couple years. For a while I wasn't sure why, but I think it's because for some reason the idea ingrained itself in my head that questions = failure. If you have to ask, that means something didn't click in your brain, therefore you're not smart or you missed something. I know that's not true at all, but that's what was happening in my head. Asking meant putting someone out, making them explain something that should probably be obvious to you.

Tonight at work I had a million questions about what I needed to do, and I hated it. I should know what I'm doing, right? But it was one of those nights where everything in my head was blank. And I had to ask. But my coworkers were so nice about it. And as I was working, I thought long and deep. Why are we so scared to ask questions? I mean, let's be honest. Most people love answering questions, right? Doesn't it make you feel a little superior when someone asks you how to do something? I don't think that's a bad thing at all! Maybe I just think that at 24 years old, I should know it all by now. I should be able to figure out hard things on my own. I should be smart enough to know how to answer my own questions.

But how else do we form our opinions, our beliefs, our own answers? It's by asking "Why? How? Where? When?" Asking questions isn't a sign of failure or stupidity, it's a sign of craving more information, of wanting to learn. And that's not something to be embarrassed about.

So this week let's ask more questions. Let's ask how things work, why things are, what happens when, etc. With me?

he is risen.

This is one of my favorite paintings of Christ. It's an image of him with the woman at the well, as depicted in John 4. I love this story for so many reasons. First, I found out this week that the conversation between him and this woman is the longest recorded conversation between the Savior and anyone in the New Testament. Isn't that incredible? What makes it more special is that this woman was a Samaritan, Jesus was a Jew. And Jews "had no dealings with Samaritans." Also, this woman had past sins, which back then meant that she most likely spent her life as a social outcast. But the Savior took the time to speak with her and teach her about "living water."

I love this story because it's such an example to me of personal relationships with the Savior. I'm planning a Relief Society lesson for two weeks from now about just that, and I want to focus on relationships people, specifically women, had with Jesus Christ in the Scriptures. In doing my research, I've found that not only are there so many women mentioned in the New Testament, but this research has helped me develop my relationship with him.

I wanted to make this Easter special, rather than just about bunnies and Reeses Peanut Butter eggs. As I've really tried to focus on the Savior and what he's done for me through the atonement, crucifixion and resurrection, this holiday has been incredible. I've felt my relationship with him grow so much stronger.

This morning I watched a Bible video created by the LDS church about the crucifixion and resurrection of Christ, and at first I just felt sad. Recounting the pain he went through, the humiliation, and his complete willingness to do it brought me to tears. But once I got to Sacrament meeting, we sang "He is Risen" and I realized that, while it is important to recognize the pain and suffering, it is so much more important to recognize that "he has burst his three days' prison, let the whole wide earth rejoice!"

I guess I just want to share my testimony on this little blog that I KNOW that our Savior loves us. Our relationships with him are all so deep and personal, but so very, very real. I promise, he loves you more than you know.

I'll finish with a quote that my friend shared with us at church today by Neal A. Maxwell:

"The gift of immortality to all mankind through the reality of the resurrection is so powerful a promise that our rejoicing in these great and generous gift should drown out any sorrows, destroy any grief, conquer any mood, dissolve any despair, and tame any tragedy. Christ's victory over death ended the human predicament... 

We say humbly but firmly that it is the garden tomb—not life—that is empty."

Happy Easter, friends.

what is love? baby don't hurt me.

Admit it, when you read the title of this post, you finished the chorus too, didn't you? The question of "What is love?" popped into my head today, and I couldn't help but think, "Baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me...no more."

Today I was at work thinking of other things as one sometimes does when they're working, and that question just hopped onto my brain and got stuck there. I've written about love once or twice before here, but I want to really get into it today. 

I was listening to my usual playlist of John Mayer and Coldplay {try it and your workday will be transformed, promise} and John's song "Love is a Verb" appropriately came on. I don't care what your opinion of John is as a person, but you have to admit that his lyrics are incredible. I get sucked right into them.

Anyway, as I was listening, it hit me that "love" is an action word. It's not a noun, it's not a thing. You can say "I love you" to whoever you want, but what does it mean to really love them? My dad always said to us when I was growing up, "Don't give me lip service, give me action." Meaning, "Don't tell me you're going to do something, do it." I think love is a little like that. It's nice to be told you're loved, but isn't it nicer when someone shows you? I think it's because so much effort goes into showing and proving. If in a relationship, all you do is tell the person you love them, how much are you really going to progress? I don't care what kind of relationship it is, either. Romantic, familial, friendship — same thing applies. 

I love the line in the song that says, "Love ain't a crutch, it ain't an excuse. No you can't get through love on just a pile of IOUs." Then he says, "You gotta show me." There's the action again.

Is this all making sense? I hope so. I've found I have a tendency to make things up in my head and they make complete sense, but when they spill out people say, "huh?"

That's just something to think about, I guess. It's been interesting to see how people show love for others. I'm a service giver/quality timer, so this song makes a lot more sense to me. 

This morning I read Elder Ballard's talk from October 2012 General Conference, called "Be Anxiously Engaged." In it Elder Ballard says, "There is power in our love for God and for His children, and when that love is tangibly manifest in millions of acts of Christian kindness, it will sweeten and nourish the world with the life-sustaining nectar of faith, hope, and charity." Isn't that beautiful? Maybe reading that talk this morning is what got me on this love kick. 

I'm sure all of you are smart enough to know what love is, but writing it out like this helps me process it and helps me see how I can show love to more people. But I know I want to be better at showing people that I love them rather than just saying it. Because I think the impact is so much greater when we make the effort.

* On a side note, my favorite line in "Love is a Verb" is "love ain't a drug, despite what you've heard." That's the best subtle jab at Ke$ha I've ever heard. ;)

of c.jane and gyms.

Did anyone else get completely thrown off by Daylight Savings? Or was it just me? No? You didn't glide through church like a zombie? Do zombies glide? Or do they kind of lumber? See what's happening to me here? It's 11:21pm and since my body is thinking it's past midnight, I have no filter and you get to read through my weird thoughts.

Anyway. Let's talk about the conference I went to this past Friday, hosted by BYU's Women's Services and Resources. Right after this paragraph should go the perfectly filtered iPhone picture of me and C.Jane. Except wait, I didn't get one. But! I got to hug her, which was almost just as neat. The conference was AHHH-mazing. I came away feeling so proud to be who I am, a woman who lives at a time when we really can change the world through our words, through our work, through the little people we have and raise, through our examples. 

One of the speakers, Jennifer Platt {who teaches religion at BYU, if you can, take a class with her!}, spoke about finding our life's purpose. That's something I've been thinking a lot about lately, and some of the things she said really inspired me. One of the things she really encouraged us to do was to write out a life mission statement. What do I want to accomplish while I'm here? What's important to me? How can I make those things a part of my life? Isn't that exciting? I've never thought about that before. So crafting an encouraging, motivating, inspired mission statement for my life is on the to-do list this week. Want to join? I'd love to hear what other people come up with. 

Here's hoping you had a great weekend, and that you've got a great week ahead of you. One of my goals is to hit the gym every day this week {encouraging words would be appreciated ;)}. I've got this theory about how I feel during each class I go to:

Body Combat or kickboxing: mess with me and I will jab, hook, and advanced upper cut you across the face.

Yoga: graceful. That's the only word that comes to mind with yoga. Whether or not I look graceful is a different story...

Pilates: hot dang, Pilates makes me feel strong and lean. I know a lot of people think it's a little wimpy, but my abs would like to argue with you about that while they hold the plank position for 3 minutes with alternating leg lifts, mmkay?

Zumba: I'd like to think I feel like Shakira, Beyonce, J.Lo, and all of that, but in reality it's more like this:

Okay it's really time I put myself to bed because this is getting weird. Have a great week!

Love you. 

finding a balance.

A few months ago I wrote about some thoughts on blogging, and I've been having some of those same thoughts again. And when I have thoughts, I have to write about them out. At BYU I minored in Communications, and that opened my eyes to the world of social media. At that point all I really had was Facebook and a little tiny blog, and this was back when the blogging world was still this small, underground thing, with only a handful of really popular blogs. Fashion blogging wasn't quite the concept it is today just yet.

Fast forward a few years, and suddenly you can't get social media out of your face — facebook, twitter, vine, instagram, blogger, foursquare, tinder...it's everywhere. And I completely understand why they pull you in — we live in a society where privacy doesn't exist anymore. It's interesting to know the thoughts swirling through other people's heads, we love knowing that we can connect to famous people through a photo app, it's nice reconnecting with people you haven't talked to since high school over messages. I get it. And I'm not knocking it at all. Quite a few bloggers have helped me figure things out. It's helpful to read about the lives of people who might be having or have had very similar experiences as me.

Here's my issue: at what point do we start using social media in a way that makes us feel inferior, in a way that makes us feel like our lives aren't as fun, aren't as interesting, aren't as wealthy, aren't as creative? That's something I've been struggling with. It's easy to scroll through my Instagram account and think, "Hm. Why doesn't my hair do that? You're, like, ten years younger than me. How are you married? If only I could afford those shoes..." It's a pretty vicious cycle. {We all do this, right? Or is it just me?}

Don't get me wrong, it's fun to blog. I do it because I love to write, I love to throw my thoughts out there, I love connecting with people who feel the same. Developing relationships is something that's always been very important to me. Writing has always been the way I process my life. For some people, it's painting. For some it's music. But at what point does blogging become a competition? I've definitely come across a few of those blogs that try so hard to be a copycat of blog A or blog B. My friend Amanda sent out a tweet the other day saying, "I think when you stop blogging, the world rewards you with either a real writing job or a lot less pressure to make your life interesting." I think there's some truth to that.

I guess what I'm saying is, I wish that there was less of a need to compete through social media. I wish there wasn't a need to make our lives look ridiculously perfect. I've always been drawn to people who don't try to hide the problems, because real life is not perfect, and we all know that. I love reading about the bad days, the challenges, the imperfections. Because it reminds me that we all have those. I think if there was more honesty in the world, there would be fewer feelings of inferiority, of thinking, "Why can't my life be like that?"

I know this is long, and if you've checked out of it, I get it. No worries. Like I said, writing helps me process thoughts. This is just something that's been on my mind for a while. What do we do about it? I'd love to hear thoughts! This post isn't really offering a solution, I'm simply asking the question.

P.S. Hopefully this post doesn't come across as mopey. I promise, I'm happy, life is so, so good. :)

P.P.S. The photo of Marilyn has nothing to do with this post, it's just always been a favorite of mine. That, to me, is what happiness can look like.

alive in the age of worry and other lessons from john mayer.

To start off this long and emotional post, here's a song that I'm pretty sure John wrote just for me. Other than "Your Body is a Wonderland," of course. ;)

A friend inadvertently showed me this quote a few days ago, and much like with everything C.S. Lewis says, it's resonated with me quite a bit.

I've had a hard time writing this post, because it feels like once I say what I'm here to say, it's final. Like a nail in a coffin. But it's not a nail in a coffin because what I'm going to say is a good thing. It's just taking a lot of courage for me to write tonight. I realize most of this post will be questions, because I'm full of those and I'm still trying to piece together answers. And now I'm just rambling, so let's get to it.

Have you ever felt like you've overstayed your welcome? Have you ever felt like the things you have planned for yourself, that are such good and worthwhile plans, just aren't happening the way you saw them in your head? Have you ever been terrified to do something, but at the same time you know you need to do it? Those feelings have all been bubbling up inside me for quite a while.

But the answer to all these questions has been knocking at the back of my mind for quite some time: it's time for me to get out of Provo.

That's a scary, scary thing. This is what I know, this is what's comfortable, this is what isn't terrifying. I have friends, I have a comfortable apartment, I have a good job. So many of the plans I've made for myself have centered around this little college town. I never once thought that they wouldn't happen exactly as I saw them playing out in my mind. But is that really what I need? For my life to work out exactly how I want it to? I've known for a while that living here isn't what's best for me at this point in my life. But I found myself making excuses, giving myself a reason to stay. If I break up with this guy, I'll move. But now I got this calling and I need to stay. If I don't get this job, I'm gone. But I'm in a great apartment, so why move? Things like that. I'm great at making excuses if I really don't want to do something. :)

I can't put my finger on exactly what it was last week that woke me up and made me realize I've got to move on, but something did. I'd just been feeling so much anxiety, people were frustrating me, and I wasn't feeling like myself. It finally hit me that I was fighting against what I know I'm supposed to be doing. And by fighting against what I know Heavenly Father wants me to do, I'm going to keep having those feelings. And when I have those feelings, I know I'm not reaching my potential, I know I'm not growing, and I know I'm not being the person I know that I am.

So on Sunday night, whatever it was {maybe I was depressed about the 49ers losing the Superbowl, who knows} made me come home, get on my knees, and finally tell Heavenly Father, "Okay. This is what I know you want me to do, and I'm finally going to do it. Now where should I go?" And it was like a lightbulb appeared, and all I had to do was flip the metaphorical switch. And once I did, everything started falling into place.

And since then, I've been so happy. I'm excited to see what's ahead for me.

I've also learned an important lesson. Sometimes, once we listen to and commit to what Heavenly Father wants us to do, so much peace and clarity comes with it. He's just waiting for us to follow through.

So, after one more perfect Provo summer {because they really are perfect}, I'm peacing out of the town that has given me so many incredible experiences, opportunities, and memories {someday I'll write a post about some of the best things this town has taught me}, and I'm heading towards a new place that will hopefully give me the same things. Change is good, guys. I'm just learning that it takes a lot of faith.

But there is always a bigger plan than we know. Always always always.

we're just going to call this a late-night vent.

don't worry, if you look at the top of this photo you'll see I'm working my way through "Friends" again.

Today I took a personality test, which was kind of fun. I actually secretly like personality tests a lot. It's interesting to me to see what the interwebs have to say about me, what my love language is {physical touch followed closely by quality time in case you're interested}, and what my colors are {primarily blue}. I think the one above is pretty accurate, don't you? Sometimes my need to be in charge got me in trouble when I was younger.

This has been one of those weeks where I've been a caregiver. Don't get me wrong, giving service is something that I'm happy to do. It makes me feel good to help other people out. I love feeling useful, and it's flattering when someone asks me, of all people, for help.

But here's some real talk. Sometimes I wonder when I can just catch a break, you know? This week there have been so many opportunities to help other people out and it's kept me busy, but it's also burned me out a little bit too. Tonight I was feeling a little bit selfish, asking, "Hey! I've been helping others out, where's my little slice of something?" For the past month I've been so motivated, so ready, so on the go, and it feels like I'm running out of fuel.

My parents always seem to have the best timing and happen to be in Utah when I feel a little bit like giving up on some things, and they'll be here in two days, praise the heavens. I need them. Parents are just the best, aren't they?

I also received the sweetest text from one of my Relief Society counselors that made my day. One of those tender mercies, right? She probably had no idea that I needed to hear what she had to say.

I don't even know if this makes sense since it's 1:20am and I tend to ramble when it's late, but I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm in the middle of learning a lesson. Helping others out is so great and so kind, but it's important that we don't forget to take care of ourselves in the process. And I've done that a little bit, and it's been frustrating.

So I'm taking the day off tomorrow. Is that okay? For just one day? I think so. I'm going to treat myself to a good Pilates workout, a Chipotle burrito, and maybe a little bit of shopping {bless you, payday}. I just need to get back to feeling like myself, because I'm not right now.

i probably just need to go to bed.

I found this quote just now, and it was a blessing. I've had an interesting day, one of those days where I counted down the minutes until I could jump back into bed and pull the covers over my head. But before I can do that, I need to write.

I started off 2013 with a lot of good intentions, and while I think I've done pretty well with my goals, today was the first day of the year when nothing got done, nothing went as planned. Maybe it was the snow, maybe it was that for some reason I was just so tired and unmotivated, maybe it was because I didn't feel like getting dressed until 3pm. And this isn't normal for me.

I spent the day feeling like a failure. My Scripture reading didn't happen in the morning like it usually does, my prayers were less than sincere, and my bed didn't get made. I think after the first three hours of the day I just gave up and figured that there was no point really trying.

So at work tonight, as I was stewing over my terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day, I saw this, and remembered I still have tomorrow. And the next day, and the day after that. A friend of mine told me once that he admired my courage, and like the above quote, I always thought courage was this big thing where you make a huge decision and people notice. But it can still be quiet, introspective, and unnoticed by others.

So I have a new resolution. When something goes wrong, or when a day doesn't go the way I want it to, I'm resolving to remember that I can start over. There's always a new day, a new hour, a new minute to resolve to do a bit better.